I Persuaded a Dealer to Cook and Deliver a Beef Wellington Instead of Weed
Credit to Author: Nick Chester| Date: Fri, 25 Jan 2019 12:07:22 +0000
“Do you want to ring for some weed?” asked my friend Lee one evening. “I only usually smoke if there’s something to munch on,” replied my other friend, Tony. “Smoking and munching go hand-in-hand for me. It’s an essential part of the experience. Your cupboard’s fucking bare, so I think I’ll pass.”
Lee pointed out that any dealer we called would pass a 24-hour supermarket en route to us. And what do supermarkets sell? Crisps. This kicked off a long argument about whether or not a dealer they hardly knew would bother going to the shops for them, and precisely how far you could push the dealer/customer relationship. Would someone selling weed run other errands in return for cash, or would he want to stick strictly to his job description? We decided to phone up and find out.
Surprisingly, the dealer had no problem dropping off the crisps. I don’t smoke weed and hadn’t been too bothered about the outcome until that point, but the fact that he was willing to pick up and deliver a perfectly legal product got me thinking how far we could take this. Would they bring over non-food items? What was the most out-there thing I could feasibly pick up?
Over the next few days I came up with a list of progressively more contrived items to request, each one requiring a greater amount of effort on the dealers’ part than the last. Yes, cocaine might be stronger than ever, and dealers might have diversified into Xanax and 2C-B. But can they handle a quiche? Let’s find out!
1. Rizlas
I gathered the numbers of 15 dealers and had five items planned, meaning I had three goes for each – but figured I’d preserve a few with the early requests. Turns out I was wrong.
Rizlas are a fairly plausible request of a weed dealer, no? You wouldn’t go to a restaurant and not be handed a knife and fork; my thinking was that the same logic applied here. However, after offering all three dealers an extra tenner to pick me up some skins, two of the guys said they weren’t going to be around for a few days, while the third sounded really paranoid and kept asking why I didn’t just go to the shop myself. A fair question, but also: did he consider that he’d be making at least £9 profit off my £10 offer? We’ll never know. He said he’d call me back twice, then ghosted me.
2. Victoria Sponge
The next thing on the list was a homemade Victoria sponge. The logic here was to test whether dealers would be willing to extend to cooked foods, or if their limits lay at delivering simple packaged snacks, like crisps. This time, I developed a detailed back-story.
This article originally appeared on VICE UK.