How Canadians Can Respond to Milwaukee’s Drake Ban

Credit to Author: VICE Canada| Date: Wed, 15 May 2019 21:08:19 +0000

Kwahi Leonard’s instantly legendary four-bounce game 7 winner set the Toronto Raptors up for their biggest challenge of the season—defeating the top-ranked Milwaukee Bucks in the Eastern Conference finals.

But for one local Toronto Raptors fan, Aubrey Graham, this series between arguably the NBA’s two top teams, has become intensely personal as it could affect his ability to support himself and his family.

Local Milwaukee station 103.7 KISS-FM announced they will be banning all of Graham’s music, who performs under the moniker “Drake”, for the duration of the series.

This devastating attack on a working-class Canadian raises some serious international issues, most specifically, where is Milwaukee and how do we hurt it?

Fortunately, thanks to Google, we have learned some facts about Milwaukee that go beyond its most significant impact in the world—its reference in Mike Myers’ Wayne’s World—and we know exactly what to do. Boycott the following, some of which are only tangentially related to Milwaukee because it’s really hard to find things made in Milwaukee.

¼ of Fall Out Boy
Andy Hurley? Hurl him away. Just stomp and clap over “Sugar We’re Going Down” if you miss his drumming so much. Problem solved!

The Violent Femmes
To be honest, this is the only one on the list that we’re actually going to kinda miss.

Dan Harmon
Add it to the list of reasons to ban Rick and Morty.

Saved By the Bell
Dustin Diamond now lives 40 kilometres outside of Milwaukee. Screech is their Drake.

Jeffrey Dahmer
Actually, now that we think of it, Dahmer is probably the most famous Milwaukeean.

Old Milwaukee
PBR is available in Canada.

Bob Kames
He’s the Chicken Dance guy. I hope you’re proud of yourself, Milwaukee.

Heather Graham
Mike Myers’s co-star in Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me is not groovy baby! (Editor’s note: What’s up with Myers and Milwaukee, does he need to go too?)

Gene Wilder
We’re going to be stereotypical polite and redact our own joke.

David Zucker
Oh no!!! I guess we won’t be able to watch *checks notes* Scary Movie 3 or Scary Movie 4. ( Airplane was good though.)

Chris Farley
Damn it, why’d you have to go to university in Milwaukee?!

Spencer Tracy
He was a poor man’s Gregory Peck anyhow.

Juiceboxxx
Some boycotts are easier than others.

Eric Benet
Instead of listening to the R&B singer, why not listen to the track in which Jay-Z makes fun of Benet for cheating on and losing his wife Halle Berry.

Les Paul
I guess we are kind of calling for a boycott of Slash now. Worth it.

Steve Miller
“Fly Like an Eagle” the hell out of here. The rest of Steve Miller Band is cool though. Don’t worry, the Space Jam version is kosher.

Buckcherry
OK, they’re from California, not Milwaukee, but any buck’s gotta go.

Go sports!

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