Prince Harry on grief after Princess Diana’s death: ‘I felt disloyal and guilty for the possibility of being happy’

Prince Harry spent years believing that allowing himself to feel happiness after the death of his mother, Princess Diana, meant he was somehow leaving her behind. 

The Duke of Sussex recently reflected on that painful realization on MasterClass, where he spoke with neuroscientist Dr. Mary-Frances O’Connor about grief, emotional healing, and how the loss of his mom shaped his life. 

Princess Diana died in a car crash in Paris in 1997 when Harry was just 12 years old. In the years that followed, he said he became emotionally numb, shutting down his feelings as he focused on fulfilling his responsibilities as a member of the royal family. 

Looking back, however, he recognized that this also kept him from confronting the grief he had never fully processed. 

“Once I realized where the superpower was coming from and the connection to it, my fear was if I heal from it, if I go looking for the fix, then do I lose it? Do I lose the superpower? Does that mean I lose the connection to my mom?” he said.  

“I’d spent so long emotionally numb, to a large extent, because I felt disloyal and guilty for the possibility of being happy and joyful without her. I felt like I had to be sad, and I had to be emotionally numb in order to prove to her that I missed her.” 

A major turning point came when Prince Harry began to understand that his mother would have wanted him to experience happiness too.  

“It freed me, and it gave me a whole different outlook on life,” he said. “The key to it all is knowing yourself and knowing how your nervous system and your whole body reacts to certain situations. So for me now, I can recognize when I get an adrenaline surge, and I also know what doesn’t require adrenaline.” 

Although he has become more aware of his emotional responses, Prince Harry acknowledged that managing them remains an ongoing process.  

“It’s still a work in progress for me, certainly because a lot of the time sort of shallow breathing, tightness, chest, all of these things still play havoc with me,” he said.

“And I think that, again, my nervous system is easily triggered from being 15, 16, 20 years in such a hypervigilant and reactive state. But if I can find the time and the place to be able to take a moment just to breathe and reconnect, that is, for me, is a game changer.” 

The Duke of Sussex also revisited one of the few moments when he allowed himself to cry following Princess Diana’s death. During the funeral, he said he had largely kept his emotions under control, with the expectations of the public and the constant presence of cameras adding to the pressure surrounding the family’s loss. 

It was only during the burial, when he was surrounded by family and away from the public gaze, that he finally broke down. 

“And I remember thinking or feeling that it actually felt really good to cry,” he added.  

For Prince Harry, however, accepting that Princess Diana was gone took much longer. He admitted that, for years, he held on to the belief that his mother had not truly died and would eventually return. 

“And then years later, I was looking for proof because of the burial; I didn’t wanna believe it. I didn’t believe that she was gone. I believed that she was gonna come back at some point. I believe that she had created this exit to get away from all the things that were destroying her life and that she was gonna re-enter the fray in some disguise and then whisk me and my brother away.” 

He continued: “The defense mechanism for the mind and the body was shut down the emotions and shut down the memories. Not just the bad memories, the good memories as well. I forgot what my mom sounded like. I forgot her laugh. I couldn’t really visualize what she looked like without looking at a photograph of her.”

Today, Prince Harry said his wife, Meghan, and their two children, Prince Archie and Princess Lilibet, are among his greatest sources of happiness.   

“The biggest factor for me is the energy and the joy and happiness that I get being with my family, especially our kids, and the joy and happiness I get by being on the ground for my work,” he explained. 

He added: “And the key to finding the joy and happiness balance is no more than 10 days away from my wife and kids. This is balancing my work and the purpose behind that as well as being a dad and a husband and the sort of multi-identity elements coming together.”