NHL Power Rankings: 1-31 poll, plus every team as a holiday toy
Greg Wyshynski gives out “gifts” to NHL teams including the Avalanche, Flyers, Wild and Devils. (2:09)
The holiday shopping season is upon us, which means you’re undoubtedly searching for the perfect toy for the young ones in your life. The one they’ll lose their minds over for one day, play with occasionally for the next month and then will be shuffled under the bed with the rest of the forgotten fads.
(“Toy Story” was a documentary.)
For the NHL Power Rankings this week, we’ve decided to match up all 31 teams with a classic or modern holiday toy that best defines them.
How we rank: The ESPN hockey editorial staff submits selections ranking teams 1-31, and those results are tabulated to the list featured here. Teams are rated through Tuesday night’s games, taking into account overall record, recent success and other factors such as injuries. The previous ranking for each team is its spot in last week’s edition.
Previous ranking: 2
Tickle-Me Elmo. The year was 1996. A craze swept the nation. Something known for its adorableness, popularity and record-breaking numbers. Something that would shake and giggle when you tried to hold him. Then? Tickle-Me Elmo. Now? David Pastrnak.
Previous ranking: 3
Official Red Ryder Carbine-Action 200-Hundred-Shot Range Model Air Rifle. Or as he’s more commonly known, Alex Ovechkin. (“You’ll shoot the lights out, kid.”)
Previous ranking: 1
Mr. Potato Head. Not only because the Islanders are the most successful bucket of parts in the NHL, but … I mean, you’ve seen their coach, right?
Previous ranking: 4
Snoopy Sno-Cone Machine. Grinding the ice into shavings through brute force rather than battery-operated machinery. Craig Berube would be proud.
Previous ranking: 5
Fuzzy Dice. Two oversized, colorful, attention-grabbing things that you’re more than happy to roll with. And nothing else, to be honest.
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Previous ranking: 17
Play-Doh. A giant pile of mush that has been quickly reshaped into a contender.
Previous ranking: 6
Barrel of Monkeys. Or as they’re known in 2019, a Bunch of Jerks.
Previous ranking: 8
Furby. Look, you can’t understand them, you don’t really get them, and that’s fine. They’re not for you. You don’t speak Furbish. Just know they’re incredibly successful.
Previous ranking: 11
Super Soaker. Other teams are working with squirt guns. At 3.73 goals per game (TK UPDATE THURSDAY AM), even without Mikko Rantanen and Gabriel Landeskog for stretches this season, the Avalanche are working with Super Soakers.
Previous ranking: 10
Weebles. Those egg-shaped little figures from the 1970s. “Weebles wobble, but they don’t fall down” pretty much sums up the Jets still being in a playoff spot right now.
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Previous ranking: 7
Yo-yo. They’re down. They’re up. They’re down. They’re up. They’re …
Previous ranking: 9
Tinkertoys. Based on the way Sergei Bobrovsky has played this season, the piece with the five holes seems wholly appropriate.
Previous ranking: 12
Heelys. Those shoes with the wheels in them. Extremely fun to watch. High rate of injury. Such are the Penguins.
Previous ranking: 18
L.O.L. Surprise! Dolls. New, super popular and strangely ubiquitous given their relatively recent arrival on the scene. But without question, one of the hottest toys on the market.
Previous ranking: 15
Teddy Ruxpin. The same story, over and over again, but now we’re wondering if the batteries are finally running out.
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Previous ranking: 16
Easy-Bake Oven. Tastier than expected, but we can’t help but wonder when that little light bulb’s going to burn us.
Previous ranking: 13
Magic 8-Ball. The die inside of the “magic” 8-ball actually has 20 sides. There are 10 positive answers and five negative ones and five that are of the “reply hazy, try again” category. It’s a toy made for countless question marks yet an equal number of random answers. This season, that’s the Habs.
Previous ranking: 19
That empty Star Wars box. In 1977, toymakers were caught off guard by the success of “Star Wars,” to the point where they didn’t have action figures ready for that holiday season. They sold empty boxes with images of Luke and Leia and Stormtroopers on it as a “promise” that eventually you’d get them. In summary: Something that looks incredible on the package, but then you realize there might be nothing on the inside. So, anyway, the Leafs.
Previous ranking: 14
Origami. A team that becomes so much more interesting the more they fold.
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Previous ranking: 20
“The Monster at the End of this Book.” The Predators’ goaltending is like that classic Sesame Street storybook: Even though it might be time, everyone’s afraid to turn the page.
Previous ranking: 22
Etch A Sketch. Every time you think they’ve completed the picture, something shakes it up and it’s back to the drawing board.
Previous ranking: 21
Legos. Interchangeable building blocks of different shapes and sizes. And eventually they’ll figure out what it is they’re building.
Previous ranking: 24
One Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em Robot. It’s really not fair that Milan Lucic doesn’t have someone to practice with, especially one that matches his mobility and hands.
Previous ranking: 29
Glo Worm. Comforting, but also sleep-inducing.
Previous ranking: 25
Skip-It. A plastic ball and chain that attached to your leg that you’d spin in a circular motion and jump over, exerting yourself but not really going anywhere.
Previous ranking: 26
Jenga. They had the whole thing built and then a couple of blocks went away and the whole thing came crashing down.
Previous ranking: 23
Bubbles from the dollar store. For a second, it looks pretty solid. But boy does that bubble pop quickly.
Previous ranking: 27
Slip ‘N Slide. Whoa, almost got a little too close to contention there for a minute. Quick, everyone on their bellies … the conference basement is that way … weeeeeeee!
Previous ranking: 30
A broken action figure from a discontinued line of toys that no one’s sure what to do with. But enough about Ilya Kovalchuk …
Previous ranking: 28
A Nintendo Switch box that doesn’t have a Switch inside of it, but instead has a bag of worms. Sorry, we were just trying to find the greatest example of bait and Switch.
Previous ranking: 31
A stocking full of scratch-off lottery tickets. “Now you bring those over to Uncle Stevie,” says GM Steve Yzerman, taking a Loonie out of his pocket.