How childhood, generational trauma shapes child’s worldly perspective

Growing up, Rubie had to endure his father’s verbal abuse, strict rules, and emotional outbursts. She was not allowed to question her father’s decisions or talk back to defend herself.

Even in her ordinary activities, like staying after school for group projects, required explanations, proof, and vouch from a friend or groupmate.

“It felt like you’re not an autonomous person or an individual of your own,” said the 33-year-old social media strategist and content creator from Bataan, who only shared her first name but refused to disclose her surname.

She also said she was not allowed to question her father’s decisions or talk back to defend herself.

Rubie recalled how she once wrote a letter to her mother expressing how she felt her efforts and hard work were disregarded after her mother joked about buying an ukay-ukay dress for her college graduation despite her graduating cum laude.

However, her father found the letter instead, and he responded with anger, cursing her and calling her ungrateful and arrogant.

“I didn’t even say anything harsh. Like I just expressed how I was feeling that day,” she said.

For the first time, Rubie was able to talk back to her father, “I said something along the lines of, “Kung mamamatay po ba ako bukas and those were your last words to me, okay lang po ba ‘yun sa inyo?”

And then he said, “Okay lang, mamamatay naman tayong lahat e. Bahala ka sa buhay mo.”

Psychologist and MLAC Institute for Psychosocial Services, Inc. founder Dr. Maria Lourdes Carandang defines “generational trauma” as an unresolved trauma of parents or grandparents that is transmitted almost automatically to the next generation.

“If you’re not a mindful parent [and] you’re not aware, you will just usually parent the way you were parented,” Carandang said.

Practicing for over 50 years, Carandang said most of her cases show that parents who have not examined their own experiences would unconsciously repeat the ways they were raised as they may carry familiar attitudes toward discipline, authority, affection, and conflict into their own households.

“The patterns are so strong because when you are a very young child, you absorb everything that your parents say they do or their attitude, their feeling, and you are absorbing it because at that point, wala pa tayong developed critical thinking,” the 82-year-old psychologist explained.

In Rubie’s case, she began to see how her father’s own upbringing might have influenced the way he treated his children.

Her father was also the eldest of nine siblings and had taken on responsibilities supporting his younger siblings — only for them to get pregnant and not finish their studies.

“Because of that trauma from like sending your siblings to school instead of you studying or supporting yourself, you spent that money on them only for them to get pregnant. And they didn’t get to finish school. Siguro naiwan ‘yun sa utak niya. Kaya siya ganun [siya] kahigpit sa amin. Kasi tatlong babae ‘yung anak niya.”

“I can understand that they’re also coming from trauma, but that doesn’t excuse the behavior,” she added.

The effects of a difficult childhood shape how a person understands themselves and approaches relationships.

Carandang explained that young children may internalize how they were treated rather than recognize that their parents may be struggling with unresolved issues of their own.

“Because when you’re [a child] and your parents are unloving, you do not think [or] you do not see your parents as unloving; you see yourself as unlovable. So that’s how you start to have your identity. So parenting is so very critical to the identity of the child,” she explained.

For Rubie, her childhood affected how she viewed romantic relationships.

She said she and her older sister both developed a fear of men and relationships because they struggled to understand what a healthy partnership could look like as she described her parents’ relationship as just “business partners” rather than a married couple.

Rubie also has decided to remain child-free. “I have done a lot of healing but I don’t think to a point where I can say or I can guarantee that I wouldn’t turn out to be like my father. So, that’s why I don’t want children of my own.”

Meanwhile, Carandang said that these trauma and fears show how the effects of a painful family environment can persist long after a child grows up and leaves home.

“[Napakalalim ng pasok ng] emotional and verbal abuse kasi hindi mo nakikita ‘yung sinasaktan pero ang sakit noon nasa loob, nasa pagkatao. Nasa pagtingin niya sa sarili niya, nasa attitude na nakukuha niya to the world, the way you perceive the world.”

For Rubie and Carandang, recognizing trauma and these effects can also become a starting point to break the pattern.

Rubie turned to research, self-help books, and sought therapy to better understand her experiences and learn to observe her reactions, identify what triggered them, and consider how she could respond differently.

Now, Rubie uses her social media platform to share her story and encourage viewers to take a step forward to break the cycle.

Carandang likewise encourages people to pause, reflect, and seek help when needed.

Talking to someone trustworthy, expressing experiences through conversation or writing, and seeking professional support can help people begin to understand what they have carried from childhood.

“You are able to discern because of your awareness… You’re not aware that you’re doing it because it has power over you. But when you become aware, you bring it out there [and] you handle it, you [now] have power over it,” Carandang said.

Carandang also stressed that although the pattern may have started generations ago, it does not have to become the legacy of the next one.

As Rubie said, “If you don’t want to create another generation of people who would have to heal from you and your behaviors, then try your best not to recreate your childhood in your children’s lives.”